Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize