The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
