sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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