I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
