god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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