i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Sext me about skeletons
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize