NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
COCAINE IS GR8
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
