and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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