If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
