This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
