Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
