I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
