Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
