she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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