I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
