you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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