So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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