no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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