So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
