dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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