lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
