I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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