I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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