Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
