When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
