Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
