guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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