Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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