from now on my penis is your penis
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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