Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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