Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In other news, I just burned my penis
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
