For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
