It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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