he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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