I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
