If that was your dad, he is hot
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
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The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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