Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
