We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
