I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
