my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
