..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
