she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
