Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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