Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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