When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We have started to decorate penises.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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