when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
