at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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