No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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