the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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