You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
