I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
