Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
