god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
