Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
