i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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