two words: eviction party
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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