3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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